Right. So I read all four Twilight books. I even enjoyed them, more or less. And mostly I think they're harmless, if shallow. But recently I started re-watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I remembered what a real heroine is supposed to look and act like. I know I'm going to tick some people off, but...well, it's me. You should be expecting it. If you disagree with any/all of the points on either list, I challenge to come up with a negative list for Buffy and a positive one for Twilight. Go for it. Just remember: Buffy would slay Edward Cullen in two seconds, after she told him how stupid his hair looked.
What I Learned From Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
1. It’s possible to be functional AND fashionable.
2. You can’t control whom you fall in love with, but you can control whether or not you let that love consume you.
3. Friends and family should be the two most important things in your world, and often they’re the same people.
4. Nothing is set in stone.
5. Never use the phrase ‘you can’t do X, you haven’t got the balls.’ You will inevitably have your balls sliced, diced, and julienned by a very pissed off Slayer.
6. Girls can kick ass, and guys can cook, clean, and talk about their feelings.
7. There is definitely such an entity as too much of a good thing.
8. Respect your parents and the lessons they taught you—even if that means knocking them out and locking them in a closet.
9. Lies will always come back to haunt you. Sometimes literally.
10. Whenever you think you’ve run out of choices, there’s always another option. Always.
11. Humans can be monstrous, and monsters can be humane.
12. Never judge on appearance. This can get you killed.
13. Wear the right shoes.
14. When you hear creepy music playing, it’s not a good idea to walk towards it.
15. Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
16. Know the rules, so you know how to break them.
17. You really, really don’t want to know what your parents were like when they were your age.
18. The hardest part of being in this world is living in it. Still, it’s better than the alternative.
19. Come up with some snappy lines about your adversary’s hair and fashion choices. When your life is in danger you can throw these quips at them and confound them so you can escape or regroup.
20. Don’t mess with lesbians. They WILL kick your ass.
21. There’s no such thing as good or bad voices, so sing no matter how silly you think you sound.
22. It is possible for a girl—or guy—to fall in love with people of both genders. It’s not wrong, and she wasn’t lying to herself the entire time. It’s called bisexuality. Look it up.
23. Don’t be afraid to speak up when someone’s hurting you—otherwise people you love might end up getting hurt too.
24. There is a huge difference between martyrdom and suicide. And it isn’t press coverage.
25. It’s always the quiet ones. Always.
26. Don’t trust doctors. Or anyone who calls his or herself ‘doctor’. In fact, if you see someone coming down the street who looks like they might be a doctor, it’s probably best to run the other way.
27. That being said, basic emergency response skills can come in handy.
28. Being a superhero is not as easy or glamorous as the Wonder Twins made it look.
29. Sometimes it works to play by the rules, and sometimes you need to grab the chessboard and throw it on the floor.
30. People deserve to be treated with respect regardless of age, gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, or fashion choices.
What I Learned From Twilight:
1. It’s noble to do something that makes you miserable to help another person, even when the other person doesn’t want you to.
2. You won’t be happy unless you’re ‘mated for life.’
3. Sex before marriage is a big no-no
4. Let the menfolk do the fishin’ and huntin,’ and the womenfolk do the cookin’ and the cleanin.’
5. If a woman is outgoing, opinionated, and unafraid to stand up for herself, she’s a cold-hearted bitch.
6. Don’t spend time worrying needlessly about the evil vampires coming to kill you. A Deux ex Machina will descend from the sky in a cloud of fluffy bunnies and save the day at the last minute.
7. When a guy kidnaps you, keeps you hostage in his house, and forbids you seeing your friends it isn’t a clear indicator of emotional abuse. He just wants what’s best for you.
8. There’s no such thing as being overprotective. He’s the guy, he knows best.
9. It is possible to have hours and hours of conversation about nothing except how beautiful you and your boyfriend are.
10. When a guy tells you he’s been hanging out in your room watching you, the proper response is to smile and feel all gooey inside.
11. Romeo and Juliet are good role models.
12. When someone you love dies, you, too, should die. There’s no point in living anyways.
13. Once you fall for a guy, nothing is more important than him. Nothing. Not your family, not your friends, and certainly not your personal safety and self-respect.
14. You should totally reassure him that’s it’s okay when he hurts you.
15. Women are obsessed with babies. They all want them.
16. Calling all your friends and family together and asking them to die to save one person’s life isn’t selfish, it’s…strategic.
17. There’s no such thing as platonic love—the only true love is the love a man feels for a woman. Hmm, that means no homosexuals either.
18. You should become so attached to a guy you sink into a state of catatonia when he leaves you, because, as has already been pointed out, he is THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS.
19. Men like to do things like practice medicine, fight in the army, and hunt wild animals. Women like to do things like draw, pick out nice outfits for everyone, and obsess over babies.
20. If there’s one woman doing a job usually reserved for men, she should be treated like an outsider and regarded as a freak. It builds character. Really.
21. Love at first sight isn’t only possible, it’s inevitable. Getting to know a person doesn’t matter at all.
22. It’s okay to string two men (or women) along and tell them you love them both, as long as they understand you don’t want to hurt them.
23. “I fell down the stairs” is always a good excuse. It works in all sorts of situations.
24. When a boy tells you he doesn’t love you, he’s lying. Keep waiting, he’ll come back. I promise.
25. A girl can do anything she wants to do—as long as her boyfriend approves.
26. Keep secrets. Lots of secrets. In fact, make your entire life a lie. This won’t hurt anyone and will make you a better person.
27. If a guy forces you to do something you don’t want to do, don’t tell your parents. They’ll probably just laugh and side with the guy.
28. Don’t try to stop the evil, murderous government. Just worry about saving your boy/girlfriend. I’m sure those innocent men, women, and children will be fine.
29. If you feel different, alone, unique, and isolated from your peers, it’s because you really are that special. It has nothing to do with the fact that you’re a teenager.
30. It’s much better to get married and murdered at 18 than to spend a few years exploring the world and discovering who you are. After all, nothing matters more than outward beauty. Inward beauty is meaningless.
Bottom line: Buffy saved the world by creating an army of super-powered girls and kicking some demon a**. Bella saved…well, some people, by….making a big bubble. Who are you going to pick as your role model?
