So, aside from the introduction, I thought I'd start us off with the (inevitable) Twilight post. I'm sure Buggy will post her own thoughts about Twilight one of these days, but I thought I'd take the plunge first. Fair warning: there will be both SPOILERS and some fairly heavy criticism in this post. (Also: spoilers for The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, and Blue Bloods.) That being said, I'm not writing this to bash Twilight. First of all, it's been done, second of all, I have better things to do with my time, and third of all, if I hated Twilight so much that I couldn't think of a single positive thing to say about it, then I wouldn't have bothered finishing the first book, let alone the other three. But my feelings about Twilight do fall more in the 'negative' column than the 'positive,' so buckle up, strap on your helmets, and leave now if the mocking of sparkly vampires bothers you.
Twilight: I only started reading Twilight because I was chaperoning a field trip to take a group of girls I tutor to see the movie, and, whenever possible, if it's a movie adapted from a book, I prefer to read before I see. After I recovered from temporary blindness due to Meyer's abuse of adjectives and adverbs, I found that I didn't totally hate the first few chapters of Twilight. My expectations, after all, were incredibly low--I'd already heard a lot of the bad things others had said about it, and I don't care for romance stories as a rule. I found Bella a bit wishy-washy and weak, and I couldn't understand why she kept saying she had no friends and guys didn't want to date someone like her when the entire school was practically kissing the soles of her feet, but whatever.
Anyways, I plowed through the first third of Twilight, thinking that while this wasn't really my cup of tea it wasn't bad for a beach read, until I reached The Meadow Scene. Anyone who's even remotely heard about Twilight knows what I'm talking about. It's supposed to be THE scene, the one that epitomizes everything about Bella and Edward and their relationship. If that's true, then based on that scene, here's what I conclude about Bella and Edward's relationship: it's dry, boring, emotionless, stilted, consisting only of them talking about how much they love each other, and never ending. Hmm. Seems pretty accurate. Guess people knew what they were talking about when they called it THE scene.
Seriously though. I read the first third of Twilight in under two hours, and it took me almost two days to get past The Meadow Scene because I kept putting the book down out of sheer boredom. Again, I don't do well with romance, so who am I to judge, but it seems to me that if you give away the character's big secret AND have them declare their undying love before you're even halfway through the book, then you're going to run out of things to talk about.
More stuff happened that I honestly can't remember, and then, thank god, Edward took Bella to meet his family, the Cullens. Now, here's why Twilight will never fall entirely into the negative column for me. I love the Cullens, especially Jasper and Rosalie. This is a sure way to get me at least interested in your story, if there's a group of individuals who care deeply about each other and look out for and protect each other even if they don't always get along. In otaku there's a term called nakama which basically describes this type of group, and like I said, I'm a sucker for it. Say what you want about Twilight, Meyer did a great job of portraying nakama, both with the Cullens and the wolf pack.
Right. Anyways, this is already far too long, and I still have three books to cover. Baseball scene: random, but loved it, because it's all the Cullens and because I love baseball. Scene after baseball scene: at this point I really started to dislike Edward, because of the way he bossed Bella around and basically manhandled her into the car. Yes, it was for her own safety, but it felt more like a parent ordering around a child than a boyfriend protecting his girlfriend. Then Bella walks out on her dad, which I didn't get--why'd she go home at all? Why not just run, if it's so urgent? And who's to say that James isn't going to go after Charlie anyways? Ugh. Whatever. Anyways, Phoenix, Bella being an idiot and running off on Jasper and Alice (which, how exactly did she get away? Even if she hid her decision from Alice as long as possible, she had to decide EVENTUALLY, and then they're freaking vampires with super speed and strength. What were they doing, counting roses?) Ballet studio scene, hospital scene ('I fell down the stairs?!' Really, Meyer? Really?) and I finish with the conclusions that it wasn't as bad as I'd been expecting, but that I cannot stand Bella or Edward at all.
New Moon was boring. Seriously. There's the birthday party, then Edward takes off, then Bella spends the next FOREVER moping. She should have been committed--and I say that not to be flip, but in all earnest. If your boyfriend leaving destroys you THAT MUCH, you need some serious help. The first time I read New Moon I got so bored I skimmed through a whole bunch of stuff until Alice showed up, and when I did go back and read I found I hadn't missed much.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love Jacob. I think he's the best thing about Twilight. He's funny, smart, and respects Bella for who she is, which is a feat in and of itself. But I've never been a Team Jacob person--I can't stand Bella, remember? What do I care who she ends up with? But I still found most of the werewolf stuff boring--not because it was boring in and of itself, but because Bella was such a boring, mopey narrator. Then Alice and Bella went to Italy, got to Edward just in the nick of time (see? Edward and Bella deserve each other! They're both melodramatic and insane!) and ended up chilling with the (admittedly creepy, Meyers gets props) Volturi. And here's where I lost the last ounce of respect I had for Bella, Edward, and Alice.
Imagine, in Harry Potter, if Harry saw some Death Eaters torturing some muggles and not only walked away, but did nothing to try to rectify the situation. Imagine, in the Chronicles of Narnia, if the Pevensies said 'screw you' to the Narnians and just hopped back through the wardrobe. The whole point of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is Edmund's transformation from someone who doesn't give a crap about others to someone who is willing to sacrifice himself to save his family and his people. The whole reason Harry's the hero is because he wants to defeat evil and save the wizarding world. Meanwhile, Bella, Edward, and Alice, faced with what they KNOW is inevitable, horrible death for a group of innocent humans, WALK AWAY. And then don't try to do anything about it. I assumed that eventually the Volturi would get overthrown, but that's not what happens. Our group of supposed heroes sees murder about to occur and does nothing to stop it.
As you might have discerned, New Moon was my least favorite in the series, and seriously made me wonder why I was supposed to like these characters.
Eclipse: I'm not going to bother going into the whole abusive boyfriend angle, because as lots of people have pointed out, EDWARD IS AN ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND. But, at this point, I'd already decided to try and ignore Bella and Edward (difficult given that Bella's the narrator, but I do try) and focus on the other, more likable characters.
Which is why Eclipse is my favorite of all the books. Like I said, I liked Rosalie (she almost killed Edward! Yay!) and Jasper (despite his stupidity from the first book) from the get go. Rosalie, I suspect, is a symptom of my bad habit in which I latch onto the one character that everyone else seems to dislike. I don't mean to; in fact I'm shocked when after seeing or reading something I go online and find that everyone else hated my favorite character. But it just happens. Life is so hard sometimes.
Anyways, I loved loved loved Rosalie and especially Jasper's stories. Rosalie came off as the only strong female in the entire series until the appearance of Leah Clearwater, whom I also love. (Yeah, I knowz. Fandoms. I'z doin' them wrongz.) And for the first time, Meyer showed deliberate darkness and evil in her stories. I say deliberate because the Volturi, according to the Cullens, were sort of 'eh, we don't like those guys, but they're not that bad,' when in reality they're cold-blooded murderers. But anyways, when Meyer does include a hint of darkness and let some clouds into her sunshine-and-daisies world, that's when her writing is the strongest. Carlisle's story. The battle at the end of Eclipse, which I'll get to. Jane and Alec. Child vampires. And of course Rosalie and Jasper's stories. These are the parts that make her books readable to me, and they're too few and far between.
So, Jasper. Yeah, I love him--maybe because he actually has a reason to be dark and broody, instead of being faux dark and broody, like Edward. And his story was fantastic--tell me you wouldn't love to read a novel about clans of warring vampires in the post-Civil War south. It sounds like the kind of thing Anne Rice would excel at, and it's a shame Meyer didn't go into it in more detail. I also give Meyer props for making Jasper a Confederate instead of Union soldier, because one of the tropes that drives me nuts is acceptable targets. Acceptable targets are groups, people, or even countries that it's okay to vilify, because everyone knows they're all evil anyways. (Supposedly.) Depending on who you are and what you think, Nazis, Confederates, white men, Catholics, Muslims, Russians, and the Chinese can all count as acceptable targets. And it drives me bonkers. In every single one of those groups, you're talking about literally millions of people. Lumping them all under 'evil' is easy, but it's not fair. Now, if you're writing a book from the point of view of a Union soldier, of course the Confederates are going to be the villains. But that doesn't make every single Confederate evil. Anyways, I got way off track there, but I give Meyer props for showing that the Confederates were--gasp--individuals, and that they didn't all think or act the same.
Ehm. Moving on. Bella loses about a million more points for demanding that Edward stay with her, when theoretically she won't be in any danger, while his family is facing an army of vampires. Selfish idiot. But I do sort of love the tent scene, because for some reason I like most of the interaction between Edward and Jacob, when they're not being complete idiots, which is most of the time. Then the battle, which we don't get to see! I honestly think Meyer either dislikes or is unable to write action, because there is so little of it in her stories. Honestly. Imagine if we'd seen the Battle of Hogwarts from the POV of a sparrow sitting in the Whomping Willow. Then Seth (yay Seth! I love Seth!) and Edward fighting off Victoria. Jacob--broken bones (eww.) Bella and Edward--getting married. Ugh.
Breaking Dawn was weird. Now, to be fair: two things I really don't care for in books or TV shows are pregnancy and marriage. So Meyer already had the cards stacked against her when, at least in my book. Unless the marriage is A. part of a greater plot, like Bill and Fleur's, or B. interrupted by a screaming hoard of demons, like Mimi and Jack's in the Blue Bloods series, I. Do. Not. Like. Weddings. They're inevitably awkward, cliche, and so sugary you want to bang your head into the wall. So I basically ignored everything through the end of the honeymoon, except for that dream of Bella's about the vampires children, which aside from winning points for being creepy, made me scratch my head and say, 'HMM. I wonder if by any chance this book will include a plot about vampire children! Nah.'
Anyways, I basically ignored the whole wedding/honeymoon/oops I'm pregnant! But I started paying a lot more attention in the second section, because Jacob was narrating.
I loved Jacob's narration. He was so much more interesting and funny than Bella, and unlike in Bella's section, when I'd be told that Bella felt a certain way but got no evidence of it, with Jacob I could completely relate to his emotions. I liked his interactions with Rosalie, Seth, Leah, and Paul. I loved his quirky chapter titles. I loved reading a first person narrative that didn't think the sun shone out of Edward's ass. All of that was great--I even liked Jacob and Edward working together to save Bella, even though that whole sequence was gross--until literally the last sentence.
Imprinting is creepy. I'm sorry, there's no other word for it, and it kills me because I like the werewolves as a whole much better than the vampires as a whole (The werewolves don't eat people! They win. The end.) but imprinting is just so many levels of creepy it's not even funny. Bella and Edward were bad enough, but at least I knew that however bossy Edward might be, if Bella actually ordered him to leave he'd do it (probably.) And Bella fell in love with Edward as she got to know him--it didn't happen in two seconds. So yes. Thank you, Ms. Meyer. You have officially made me champion the stability and healthiness of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen's relationship, something I didn't even think was possible. God. Why? Just...why?
Anyways. We'll just pretend that never happened and move on. Bella as a vampire--yawn. And what a shock--she's the pwettiest mostest talented vampire everz! Who saw THAT coming? Bella as a mother--it's a good thing that child is half vampire and has a house full of people to look after her, because I wouldn't trust Bella to care for a potted plant, let alone an infant. Then they're happy, then they're not, then Alice and Jasper run for the hills, which was the one interesting point of characterization for both of them: say what you like, but if Alice knew for sure that she was going to fix the situation, or even come back to fight if she couldn't, then she wouldn't have bothered taking Jasper with her. It wasted too much time, and the Cullens really could have used him back at the house. Alice wanted to help, but if it all went south then she had at least saved herself and her mate. It doesn't make her seem like the best person, and that's why I find it more interesting.
Then random people start showing up, ready to sacrifice themselves for this kid, which make. no. sense. Yes, Bella and Edward and the Cullens and Jacob were ready to die for her, but they're her family. Other vampires ready to stand there and be killed for this kid? I get that she's special, but come on. One person dies (okay, eight, counting the Cullens minus Jasper and Alice plus Bella, Renesmee, and Jacob) versus thirty people die. It's a matter of math, people! And even granted that some of them didn't think the Volturi would kill them, what is motivating them to even take the chance?
Moving on--the battle that wasn't. What a disappointment. I don't know why I expected her to man up and actually write some action, but I hated the last fifth or so of this book. Boring and unrealistic and just ridiculous. Two things in particular deserve mention: Garrett's speech, because it was the only good part of this whole mess, and it was truly epic, and Edward calling Jacob his son, at which point I bang my head against the wall so hard it comes out the other side and startles my poor neighbors.
Anyways, so the Cullens live happily forever after, having lots of sex and...not much else. Yeah. Why the heck do none of those people go out and get jobs other than Carlilse? Every single one except Edward is legally an adult. They do not need to go to high school, which they seem to hate anyways. Go out and get jobs, you lazy bums! Do something with yourselves! Whatever.
One last thing: sparkling vampires. Forget the lameness for a second and think about it. Why do they avoid the sun? Because they sparkle, and that would show humans they're vampires. So take it one step further: why do they care that humans know they're vampires? They're super strong, super fast, have extremely good sense, and can't be harmed unless literally ripped to shreds and burned, which only another vampire can do to them. So...why are they hiding from humans again? It'd be like if we humans tried to hide our true identities from cows. Seriously. The only purpose the vast majority of vampires has for humans is to eat them. So why are you hiding? That's the problem with the whole sparkle aspect--not that it's lame, but that it's terrifying, because it makes the vampires omnipotent. If the Volturi or Maria and her army thought about it for two seconds, we'd all be toast. So, sparkling? Not a good idea, especially when taken to its inevitable conclusion. Which Meyer of course did not do.
So there you have it. More bad than good, but I didn't completely hate them, and when I bash them, I can do so legitimately instead of sticking up my nose and rolling my eyes and acting too good for something I haven't even tried. My seething anger is mad legit seething anger, man!
--Cates
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