30 Things I Learned From Buffy the Vampire Slayer...And 30 Things I Learned From Twilight

Note: I originally wrote this piece (and posted it to facebook) when I was 18. I was going to modify it and post it here, but after reading it over I decided to post it as I originally wrote it. Even though some of the writing makes me wince, I think it's an interesting window into the mindset of a teenager who had watched Buffy and read Twilight. I first saw Buffy when I was 13, and I finished it when I was 17. I read all four Twilight books when I was 18. Here, completely unedited (*wince*) is a teenage girl's perspective on Buffy and Twilight. 

Right. So I read all four Twilight books. I even enjoyed them, more or less. And mostly I think they're harmless, if shallow. But recently I started re-watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I remembered what a real heroine is supposed to look and act like. I know I'm going to tick some people off, but...well, it's me. You should be expecting it. If you disagree with any/all of the points on either list, I challenge to come up with a negative list for Buffy and a positive one for Twilight. Go for it. Just remember: Buffy would slay Edward Cullen in two seconds, after she told him how stupid his hair looked.

What I Learned From Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

1. It’s possible to be functional AND fashionable.

2. You can’t control whom you fall in love with, but you can control whether or not you let that love consume you.

3. Friends and family should be the two most important things in your world, and often they’re the same people.

4. Nothing is set in stone.

5. Never use the phrase ‘you can’t do X, you haven’t got the balls.’ You will inevitably have your balls sliced, diced, and julienned by a very pissed off Slayer.

6. Girls can kick ass, and guys can cook, clean, and talk about their feelings.

7. There is definitely such an entity as too much of a good thing.

8. Respect your parents and the lessons they taught you—even if that means knocking them out and locking them in a closet. 

9. Lies will always come back to haunt you. Sometimes literally.

10. Whenever you think you’ve run out of choices, there’s always another option. Always.

11. Humans can be monstrous, and monsters can be humane.

12. Never judge on appearance. This can get you killed.

13. Wear the right shoes.

14. When you hear creepy music playing, it’s not a good idea to walk towards it.

15. Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

16. Know the rules, so you know how to break them.

17. You really, really don’t want to know what your parents were like when they were your age.

18. The hardest part of being in this world is living in it. Still, it’s better than the alternative.

19. Come up with some snappy lines about your adversary’s hair and fashion choices. When your life is in danger you can throw these quips at them and confound them so you can escape or regroup.

20. Don’t mess with lesbians. They WILL kick your ass.

21. There’s no such thing as good or bad voices, so sing no matter how silly you think you sound.

22. It is possible for a girl—or guy—to fall in love with people of both genders. It’s not wrong, and she wasn’t lying to herself the entire time. It’s called bisexuality. Look it up.

23. Don’t be afraid to speak up when someone’s hurting you—otherwise people you love might end up getting hurt too.

24. There is a huge difference between martyrdom and suicide. And it isn’t press coverage.

25. It’s always the quiet ones. Always.

26. Don’t trust doctors. Or anyone who calls his or herself ‘doctor’. In fact, if you see someone coming down the street who looks like they might be a doctor, it’s probably best to run the other way.

27. That being said, basic emergency response skills can come in handy.

28. Being a superhero is not as easy or glamorous as the Wonder Twins made it look.

29. Sometimes it works to play by the rules, and sometimes you need to grab the chessboard and throw it on the floor.

30. People deserve to be treated with respect regardless of age, gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, or fashion choices.

  

What I Learned From Twilight:

1. It’s noble to do something that makes you miserable to help another person, even when the other person doesn’t want you to.

2. You won’t be happy unless you’re ‘mated for life.’

3. Sex before marriage is a big no-no

4. Let the menfolk do the fishin’ and huntin,’ and the womenfolk do the cookin’ and the cleanin.’

5. If a woman is outgoing, opinionated, and unafraid to stand up for herself, she’s a cold-hearted bitch.

6. Don’t spend time worrying needlessly about the evil vampires coming to kill you. A Deux ex Machina will descend from the sky in a cloud of fluffy bunnies and save the day at the last minute.

7. When a guy kidnaps you, keeps you hostage in his house, and forbids you seeing your friends it isn’t a clear indicator of emotional abuse. He just wants what’s best for you.

8. There’s no such thing as being overprotective. He’s the guy, he knows best.

9. It is possible to have hours and hours of conversation about nothing except how beautiful you and your boyfriend are.

10. When a guy tells you he’s been hanging out in your room watching you, the proper response is to smile and feel all gooey inside.

11. Romeo and Juliet are good role models.

12. When someone you love dies, you, too, should die. There’s no point in living anyways.

13. Once you fall for a guy, nothing is more important than him. Nothing. Not your family, not your friends, and certainly not your personal safety and self-respect.

14. You should totally reassure him that’s it’s okay when he hurts you.

15. Women are obsessed with babies. They all want them.

16. Calling all your friends and family together and asking them to die to save one person’s life isn’t selfish, it’s…strategic.

17. There’s no such thing as platonic love—the only true love is the love a man feels for a woman. Hmm, that means no homosexuals either.

18. You should become so attached to a guy you sink into a state of catatonia when he leaves you, because, as has already been pointed out, he is THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS.

19. Men like to do things like practice medicine, fight in the army, and hunt wild animals. Women like to do things like draw, pick out nice outfits for everyone, and obsess over babies.

20. If there’s one woman doing a job usually reserved for men, she should be treated like an outsider and regarded as a freak. It builds character. Really.

21. Love at first sight isn’t only possible, it’s inevitable. Getting to know a person doesn’t matter at all.

22. It’s okay to string two men (or women) along and tell them you love them both, as long as they understand you don’t want to hurt them.

23. “I fell down the stairs” is always a good excuse. It works in all sorts of situations.

24. When a boy tells you he doesn’t love you, he’s lying. Keep waiting, he’ll come back. I promise.

25. A girl can do anything she wants to do—as long as her boyfriend approves.

26. Keep secrets. Lots of secrets. In fact, make your entire life a lie. This won’t hurt anyone and will make you a better person.

27. If a guy forces you to do something you don’t want to do, don’t tell your parents. They’ll probably just laugh and side with the guy.

28. Don’t try to stop the evil, murderous government. Just worry about saving your boy/girlfriend. I’m sure those innocent men, women, and children will be fine.

29. If you feel different, alone, unique, and isolated from your peers, it’s because you really are that special. It has nothing to do with the fact that you’re a teenager.

30. It’s much better to get married and murdered at 18 than to spend a few years exploring the world and discovering who you are. After all, nothing matters more than outward beauty. Inward beauty is meaningless.

Bottom line: Buffy saved the world by creating an army of super-powered girls and kicking some demon a**. Bella saved…well, some people, by….making a big bubble. Who are you going to pick as your role model? 

Phenomenal Women

I loved The Avengers. Let's start there. I was skeptical going in, because I didn't see how having that many superheroes in one movie could possibly result in anything but a mad mixture of endless fight scenes interspersed with dialogue heavy scenes meant to summarize the plot, but luckily I was wrong. Hiring Joss Whedon (he of Buffy, Firefly, and Toy Story fame) to write and direct was possibly the smartest decision they could have made.

However, I loved The Avengers in spite of a glaring problem I had with the storyline. It's not an overcomplicated plot twist or an unrealistic character motivation. It's a lot simpler than that. In fact, it's obvious without ever seeing the movie. All you need to do is look at a movie poster. Notice how there's only one woman? Notice how many bloggers and critics and fans didn't notice? Yeah. That would be the problem right there.

I had a long discussion with Buggy about whether or not it was fair to accuse The Avengers of being sexist for only including Black Widow when there weren't that many female superheroes they could have picked in the first place. Sexist is a big word, and to be honest I'm not comfortable applying it to the way I feel about The Avengers. Instead, I think The Avengers is an example of a larger problem that exists in popular fiction, television, and especially Hollywood: the Strong Woman has become the Token Black Character. There's one in every story, but only one, and her personality can usually be boiled down to being 'tough.' It's fantastic that there are female superheroes, and doctors, and police officers, and scientists, etc. That's a huge step forward that a lot of people fought for a long time to achieve. But we've made that step, and now it seems like we've stalled. Would it be too much to ask for us to keep walking?

Strong Women Are Everywhere
Think about your own life. Think about the women you know. Is there only one or two who you'd call strong--independent, smart, capable? Unless you live in a black hole, the answer's no. In ten seconds I could name ten women I know personally or who are well know figures who are strong. Give me a minute, and I'll give you fifty. Madeline Albright. Isabel Allende. J.K Rowling. Aung Suu Kyi. Sandra Day O'Conor. Emma Thompson. Margaret Thatcher. Lady GaGa. Angelina Jolie. Cat Cora. Hillary Clinton. Sarah Palin. Hope Solo. Gabby Douglas. Malala Yousufzai. Beyonce. Love them or hate them, it's impossible to deny that each of these women is strong, intelligent, and talented in a way that has nothing to do with good looks. Strong women are everywhere--so why does fiction have such a hard time mirroring reality?

To me, the best example of a story with truly strong women is J.D. Robb's Eve Dallas books. What makes these stories so fantastic in their representation of women is Robb doesn't create Eve, a lieutenant with the NYPSD, in a vacuum. She doesn't make one or two strong women and call it a day, and, more importantly, she doesn't make strong women seem like anything out of the ordinary. The Eve Dallas stories are full of strong women. Within the main cast of a dozen or so recurring characters, roughly half are women. Half. Think about how strange that seems for a second. Try and list as many movies, books, and television shows where that's the case. Now, in how many of those stories are all the women capable and talented? How many cases are the women independent characters in and of themselves--they don't simply serve as 'the love interest' or 'the obstacle in the relationship?' The number I can come up with is depressingly small: Animorphs, Bones, The Descent, Rizzoli and Isles, The Circle of Magic, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and of course Eve Dallas.

What really makes the Eve Dallas stories special, however, is that there are an equal number of strong women present in the minor and supporting characters. Whether it's victims' families, other police officers, lawyers, witnesses, etc, there are constant appearances and mentions of women who hold leadership positions, demonstrate their intelligence, and show strength and independence. Of the stories I mentioned above, only Circle of Magic passes that test. We need stories that are filled with strong women--which doesn't mean replace the men with women. Real life is full of strong men and women. Is it too much to ask that fiction live up to the same standard?

A Woman Doesn't Need to Swing a Sword to be Strong
I love Tamora Pierce's Song of the Lioness series. First published in 1983, Alanna: The First Adventure introduced the world to a stubborn, thick headed, passionate and tough young girl named Alanna, who dreamed of being a knight in a world where only men could earn the title. Alanna was a tough and strong female character in an era where tough and strong female characters were practically nonexistent.

That was thirty years ago.

Alanna embodies an important step in the struggle for strong women in stories. She entered a man's world, defied stereotypes, fought for her dream, showed that a woman could be just as strong as a man, and scoffed at anyone who dared try and stop her. Alanna's journey mirrored the struggle that many women in the real world were fighting at the same time: the struggle to earn respect as scientists, politicians, sports players, etc. But, like Alanna, that struggle has essentially been conquered. It's time to take the next step, but writers, directors, and producers seem unable or unwilling to make the start.

Within the main cast of the Eve Dallas books, the strong women include a therapist, an MD, an ADA, multiple police officers, and a rock star. Eve herself hates the idea of shopping, finds fancy clothes a mystery, and actively avoids cooking and cleaning. In many ways, Eve embodies the 80s idea of what a strong woman looked like.

But this is 2012, not 1983. Strong women come in all shapes and sizes. As they do in the Eve Dallas books, they can love or abhor shopping. They can literally kick ass, or they can be intelligent and wise. They can gush over boys AND take down a perp with a handgun and a pocket full of cocaine. They can cry over sad movies and scream profanities at pushy cab drivers. They can love to sing and dance, or they can love playing soccer in the park, or--shocking!--they can love both.

Scarlett Johansen's Black Widow is an awesome character. But she falls into the same pattern that every strong woman seems to fall into today: she is a woman in a man's world. She is tough and aloof--no feminine weakness for her. She can literally kick your ass and she shows little emotion while doing so. She is serious and does not engage in bickering and jokes with the men on the team--she's above all that.

Women are strong and talented in a multitude of ways--there's no single image of a strong woman. Rosie the Riveter has passed the torch to chefs and artists, leaders and athletes, warriors and doctors. Rosie played her part, as did Alanna. It seems a shame that we can't continue the fight and fill our stories with phenomenal women of all shapes and sizes.

Now It's Personal
There's one final issue I'd like to address, and it's a point where even the Eve Dallas books, even the works of Tamora Pierce, falls down.

I have an awesome younger sister. She's at the top of my list of phenomenal women. She's no Primrose Everdeen--the thought of her as shrinking and shy is hysterical. If I ever tried to pull a move like Katniss and offer myself up to protect her, she'd tackle me into the dirt before the words left my mouth and call me an overprotective idiot. That being said, I'd still try, because I'd do anything for her, and she'd do anything for me.

The list of strong brotherly relationships goes back to literally the dawn of storytelling. The Epic of Gilgamesh, the oldest existing story, deals with the relationship between two men who, while not born brothers, become brothers to each other with all the relationship implies: camraderie, protectiveness, support, trust, competition, love. Moving through time, the examples are endless: Hector and Paris in The Iliad. Jacob and Easu, Jonathan and David, Moses and Aron in the Bible. Caleb and Aaron in East of Eden. The Brothers Karamazov. Death of a Salesman.

Five years ago, there were three different television dramas that featured a pair of brothers: Supernatural, Numb3rs, and Prison Break. And that's only counting shows where the brothers are genetically related, not shows that feature bromances like Psych, Scrubs, and Rescue Me. Two years ago Rizzoli and Isles premiered, and it was treated like a big deal because it featured two female leads and the relationship between them.

I've already questioned why the strong women seem to be missing from much of television, movies, and popular fiction. Here's my personal bone to pick: where are all the sisters? I can't believe--in fact I know for certain--that mine and my sister's relationship is unique. Of the women I know who have sisters, many speak about the relationship as the most important one in their lives. So where are the stories that reflect what it means--what it truly means--to be sisters? We should have left the fairytales and stories such as King Lear behind a long time ago. But all too often, when a show or book does feature sisters, one is given prominence while the other is merely an obstacle or a competitor or an annoyance or an object to be protected.

I'll finish with a quote by Barbara Alpert: “Sister. She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child.” 

Reading it over, it really seems a shame to me that there aren't more stories about sisters, because of all the rich possibilities that exist in such a relationship. We need stories that show women as they truly are, not as we've idealized them to be. Women who are sarcastic, smart, reserved, bubbly, amusing, quick-witted, practical, and foolish, wild dreamers and level headed planners. And we need to see women interacting with other women--not as rivals, but as equals. Not as the strong woman who stands out alone, but as sisters who fight and laugh and argue and defend with and for one another.

--Cates

An Open Letter to Jasper Fforde

Dear Jasper Fforde,

Why, sir? Why? I enjoyed your stories so much. I loved your snarky heroine. Someone described Thursday Next as a cross between Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Bridget Jones, and Supergirl, and they were absolutely right. Your books are full of humor, romance, adventure, mystery, and an overflow of quirky cleverness and wordplay. Which is why it absolutely kills me that I find myself unable to read your books any longer. Understand, this isn't so much a personal protest as an inability to get past my disgust at your rampant hypocrisy long enough to enjoy your books.

You disapprove of fanfiction. You disapprove of fanfiction. You. Disapprove. Of. Fanfiction. You, of all people, dare to mock and ridicule and put down fanfiction writers. Please excuse my language, but how dare you, you fucking hypocrite.

What is fanfiction? It's taking a world and characters created by a published (usually) writer and making up a story of your own, sometimes featuring original characters, set in the other writer's world, often inhabited by this other writer's characters. I'll say it again. You fucking hypocrite.

The Thursday Next series is nothing but a massive fanfiction. Excuse me, Mr. Fforde, but I missed the moment when you created Jane Eyre, Mycroft Holmes, Miss Havisham, Hamlet, Count Dracula, and Heathcliff. Oh wait, that's right. You didn't. You take those characters, created by other published authors, and feature your own character in other authors' worlds, often inhabited by the other authors' charact--Hmm. This is sounding strangely familiar.

As an author, you are perfectly within your right to not read fanfiction featuring your own characters. You're even within your right to find fanfiction about your characters horrifying and disgusting. (Although I would point out that if you didn't read it, you wouldn't find it disgusting or horrifying.) What you are not within your right to do is to condemn people for writing fanfiction.

These people are doing for free what you are paid to do. The only difference between you and them, aside from the lack of compensation, is that you write fanfiction about 'novels,' while the majority of fanfiction authors write about popular fiction. How dare you, sir? How dare you be so elitist and judgmental? Yours apparently doesn't count as fanfiction because you write about the works of dead famous people. That's the only logical conclusion I can draw. I cannot come up with a single other reason why you wouldn't see your own work as fanfiction. Incidentally, if that is the case (and I can't imagine how it isn't.) then you should spend ten seconds on any fanfiction site. You'll see that fanfiction exists for everything from the Bible to Homer to Shakespeare. So where do you get off drawing a line between yourself and every other writer who plays around in worlds they didn't create themselves?

I can understand you not wanting to expose yourself to fanfiction about your own characters. I cannot understand your dismissal and belittlement of what you yourself do for a living.

Mr. Fforde. You are bright and clever. Your command of the English language is phenomenal. I do not regret having read your books, because they gave me many hours of enjoyment. But no more. I cannot enjoy books written by someone who condemns others for doing exactly what he is paid to do.

Farewell, Mr. Fforde. I hope you get over yourself. I suspect you won't.

Sincerely,

Cates